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In Choosing This...

Updated: Feb 25

I am writing to you on an early morning in the Central American sun, while birds sing their songs and I await the colors of the day to come into their fullest hues.

I am sitting inside the dream I have longed for for many years. To be a 'snow bird' following the sun year round. Getting here was not only a physical and logistical gymnasium, but also a deep journey of my soul and psyche.

We often romanticize what we don't have. 

Oh, wouldn't it be nice to go on a trip... Wouldn't it be nice to have a partner... Oh, wouldn't it be nice to not have kids for a day... Wouldn't it be nice to have a homestead... Etc, etc.  

I catch myself in these stories, and I also receive these stories from others.

Many people shared, "You are so lucky to be going on this trip!"

And they are right. I am incredibly fortunate to have this privilege and choice.  

And... what remains unseen is the behind the scenes work that brought me to this point.

In choosing this, I had to face my deepest fears. 

I had to feel all the parts of myself unable to withstand the uncertainty. 

I had to presence with all that was standing in my way. 

All that I was avoiding.

I writhed in sleepless nights, frozen from feelings, as little by little, I allowed myself to experience the letting in of all I had been steadfastly keeping out. 

Continuously giving myself over to the process. Tangibly, viscerally, irrevocably. 

In devotion to the light that is bigger than the fears and programming.

The one afraid of being abandoned, 

the one afraid of being unsafe, 

the one afraid of letting go of control, 

the one afraid of judgement and rejection....

They could no longer steer this ship. 

Not if I plan to follow where I am being called to go.

There is no expansion without letting parts of yourself die.

And the death is at once exquisite and excruciating.

It doesn't always make sense. In fact, the heart rarely does. And I know that in choosing to travel to these places within and without, I am choosing to live in service to my deepest truth. 

It requires a reckoning with the personal and collective voices that warn otherwise and shame those that do not heed. The voices inside all of us that say: 

danger, risk, turn back, no re-entry. 

It is a constant commitment to resourcing our own power.

In choosing this, I had to let go over and over.

And it was through this gory and glorious journey that I came to peace with what was, what is, and to surrender to what will be.

One of my main intentions of this journey is to relate to things as they are, rather than how I think I want them to be. 

And I have had countless opportunities to exercise this muscle.

My resolve was checked at many points. 

Emotions, finances, and logistics all greeted me at their gates. 

I felt the falter, and chose to root more committed than ever before. 

To this life that is calling me to live it. Fully.

I recognize the great fortune I have to have the choice to live this story. 

AND I do not discount the tremendous behind the scenes work it takes to change the narrative and circumstances to allow this story to come through. 

Welcoming a life that is much bigger than the boxes that once felt inevitable.

Upon my departure from Oregon, I did not feel that I was “leaving” on a trip, but rather returning. 

Returning to my communities of Central America, 

returning to parts of my soul, 

returning to the fears long avoided, 

returning to the home within me wherever I go, 

and returning to Love.

And so, I let in all this is waiting for me. 

Knowing that what I long for, longs for me.

And I put my trust in the highest vision and iteration for my life. 

For the well being of all.

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1 Comment

“And the death is at once exquisite and excruciating.“ Oof. Yes. Thank you for putting words to your process. I’m so proud of you & inspired by you.

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